Academy Not Racist, Has Black Friend
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Following accusations that the 2016 Academy Awards are biased against actors of color, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences confirmed […]
Donald Trump Vows To Make Oscars Great Again
NEW YORK CITY—In light of the Academy’s response to controversy surrounding the homogeneity of the actors and films nominated for Oscars, businessman and Republican presidential […]
Man Unsure Where Ironic Self-Loathing Ends And Real Self-Loathing Begins
LOS ANGELES—Local man Tom Deluca confirmed Monday that he is no longer sure where his joking, lighthearted self-loathing ends and his genuine, deeply rooted self-loathing […]
Rieber Smell To Destabilize Region By 2020
WESTWOOD—The UCLA Political Science department released a report Wednesday indicating that unless drastic actions were taken, the smell emanating from between the Rieber and Holly […]
Sasha Obama To Stand On Sister’s Shoulders, Run For President
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Sasha Obama announced in a statement Tuesday that she plans to run for President of the United States while perched on the shoulders of […]
Report: All Late Night Curly Fries Traced Back To Single “Mother Fry”
WESTWOOD—In a report issued by the UCLA Center for Sustenance Research, scientists have confirmed that all curly fries from De Neve Late Night are traceable […]
Infant Shocked To Learn Objects Permanent
LOS ANGELES—Stunned and completely speechless, three month-year-old infant Andrew Calvert reported experiencing a deep shift in worldview today following the discovery that objects are permanent. […]
POINT: We Need Smaller Class Sizes / COUNTERPOINT: I LIKE YELLING
Point Smaller Class Sizes Will Promote Better Learning By: Tamara Chang, 4th year English and Chemistry double major At UCLA, classes are just too large. […]
Pro-Feast Militia Organizes and Occupies Dining Hall
WESTWOOD—Following UCLA Dining Services’ decision to close residential dining hall Feast on the weekends, a group of students have occupied the dining hall in protest […]
Student Still Believes She Can Make A Difference
WESTWOOD–Citing her optimistic attitude and enthusiastic involvement in several clubs, sources confirmed that first year Kelsey Weaver still thinks she can make a significant impact […]