New Dining Hall Somehow More Pretentious Than B-Plate
WESTWOOD—In an impressive display of extravagance, UCLA Housing recently unveiled a new dining hall, which is somehow even more pretentious than Bruin Plate. The Study […]
Supreme Playground Court Upholds 5 Second Rule
TOPEKA, KS— In a narrow 5-4 vote, the Supreme Playground Court of Smileyvale Elementary School ruled that the “Five Second Rule” was constitutional. “We really […]
Teen Disappointed Safe Space Lacks Wifi
WESTWOOD—Although thankful she has a space to comfortably feel free of hostilities, third-year gender studies major Charlotte Smith expressed concerns over the lack of reliable […]
LAPD Pissed They Have To Take Freeway For Car Chase
LOS ANGELES—Two police officers from the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) said they were pissed off that they had to take the 405 freeway in […]
Santa Delivers Coal To Rust Belt, Stimulating Economy
Johnstown, PA–In the early hours of Christmas morning, Santa Claus helped president-elect Donald J. Trump deliver on his campaign promise to reinvigorate the rust belt’s […]
God Confused About Fidel Castro Death Reaction
THE HEAVENS— After scrolling through Facebook over the weekend, God expressed genuine confusion regarding humanity’s reaction to Cuban dictator Fidel Castro’s death. “I thought we […]
Dr. Ben Carson Appointed To Remove Stick From Mike Pence’s Ass
WASHINGTON–With Donald J. Trump’s transition team still filling positions in his cabinet, the president-elect has announced the appointment of retired neurosurgeon and former primary rival […]
Woman Brings Up Her Sex Life To Avoid Discussing Politics At Thanksgiving Dinner
MILWAUKEE, WI—Cutting off her father as he started to praise the new President-elect, Amy Richardson began a detailed discussion of her sex life. “Hey Dad, […]
Inspiring: Version Of You In Parallel Universe Has Your Shit Together
Finally, some good news: scientists and cosmologists have recently gotten together to confirm that in one of the infinite parallel worlds predicted by the multiverse […]
Local Hipster Personally A Fan Of Macaulay Culkin’s Later Works
WESTWOOD–After watching an airing of Home Alone on primetime cable, local hipster Samuel Stroller was reminded of his preference for Macaulay Culkin’s achievements as an […]