Amazing! This Magic 8 Ball Pinpoints Exactly How You’ll Ruin Your Life!
Hear hear, lads and ladettes! After decades of helpless submission to fate’s cruel game of chance, scientists and toymakers alike have designed a Magic […]
BREAKING: Freshman’s Virginity Still Going Strong
WESTWOOD — It’s spring quarter, and somehow, local freshman James Rosenberg’s virginity is still intact. “I knew it was going to take some time, but […]
Nancy Pelosi Had Relaxing Weekend Screaming Into Abyss
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After working around the clock to oppose the Republican party’s legislative agenda, sources close to minority leader Nancy Pelosi say she had a […]
Helpful Gym Regular Corrects Newcomer’s Form
WESTWOOD — Last night at B-Fit, freshman Rodney Caldwell was reportedly using the tricep machine without properly bending his knees, but business economics major Brock […]
Area Man Spins Alcoholism Into Funny Anecdote
WESTWOOD—Earlier today UCLA student Scott Arnedt told his a friends a funny story that could be completely attributed to his debilitating alcoholism. “Last night I […]
Report: B-Fit Playing That Song Again
WESTWOOD—Sources inside the Bruin Fitness Center (B-Fit) weight room confirmed on Monday that the campus gym was again playing that song that they always play. […]
Kid Shocked To Discover Parents Are Actually Married
LOS ANGELES — In a shocking turn of events, local six-year-old Aiden Thomas recently discovered his parents, previously thought to just be very good friends, are […]
Occasional Affirmation Just Enough To Sustain Professor/Student Fantasy
WESTWOOD — An offhand affirmation recently imparted by UCLA biochemistry professor Keith Abrams to one of his students was just enough to sustain the delusional fantasy […]
Taking A Stand: These 5 Senators Announced They Will Not Be Inviting President Trump To Their Birthday Parties
Dianne Feinstein is known by her Senate colleagues as “the Queen of birthday parties,” and this June’s big 8-5 is sure to be no […]
Fuck! Cambridge Analytica Knows I Don’t Have A Life
WESTWOOD — Fuck! I just heard on Facebook that Cambridge Analytica has all my information now! What will I do? Oh shit. Do they know that […]