BREAKING: Freshman’s Virginity Still Going Strong

WESTWOOD — It’s spring quarter, and somehow, local freshman James Rosenberg’s virginity is still intact. “I knew it was going to take some time, but I kind of expected to meet a girl by now,” said Rosenberg, trying to figure out what it was about him that made him so unattractive. “I guess, like, I’m probably more into a long term relationship, you know,” he stated, “where sex is a byproduct, not a requirement.” At press time, Rosenberg acknowledged that he should probably focus on making male friends before anything else.