On-Campus Burlington Coat Factory to Replace John Wooden Center
WESTWOOD — In a statement made this week by Gregg Goldman, Vice Chancellor and CFO of UCLA, it was announced that the campus’s entire John […]
P: You Should Announce Your Achievements on Social Media / CP: Karen, You’re the Reason Why I’m in Group Therapy
Point: You Should Announce All Your Achievements on Social Media By Karen Paulson There’s no shame in being proud of yourself- it’s called self-esteem. What’s […]
Ralph Northam Assures Public Blackface Photo Actually Super Funny
RICHMOND, VA — After Virginia Governor Ralph Northam was accused of wearing blackface in an old yearbook photo, the embattled politician has assured an angry public that […]
Ninth Circle Of Hell Just Murphy Hall
VATICAN CITY — At a recent papal summit, Pope Francis confirmed that Murphy Hall lies within the boundaries of Hell’s most treacherous and damning circle. “You might […]
Uber Driver Trapped In Eternal Loop Around Hill
WESTWOOD — Uber driver Zvonko Christensen has reportedly been trapped in an eternal loop around the residence halls of UCLA, tirelessly navigating the winding one-way roads […]
“Californians Are So Afraid of Rain,” Says Student From State Terrified of Immigrants
WESTWOOD — After an unprecedented week of sporadic rain across Los Angeles county, first year UCLA student Dustin Foster controversially declared to his distracted roommate […]
Devil Pleased With Soul of Mark Zuckerberg
MENLO PARK — Recent reports assert that the Devil, known under a plethora of different names including Mephistopheles, Beelzebub, Lucifer, Satan, Taco Bell, etc… is happy with […]
Third Year Drops GE Because Professor is a Triple Water Sign
WESTWOOD — In a totally Virgo move, third-year English major Alison Wong dropped her religious studies course after discovering her professor was a triple water sign. “I’m […]
Arby’s Always An Option, Reports Area Dad
BAKERSFIELD — Glancing at the “Food: Exit 25” sign on the side of CA State Route 99, area father and Carlson family patriarch Neal Carlson reminded his […]
LGBTQ Center’s Free Printing Jeopardizes Straight Man’s Heterosexual Reputation
WESTWOOD — Red Bull Campus Ambassador Colin Greene was seen lingering an appropriate fifteen feet outside of the UCLA LGBTQ Center, contemplating whether he should enter the […]