Stray Cat Wins Heart of Community, Stray Human Does Not
WESTWOOD — A stray cat discovered on Landfair Avenue has won over the community with its scrappy feline charms, while at the same time local […]
Op-Ed: If I Wear Jeans, You Must Call Me Jeans Block
To the Campus Community: On Monday morning, I substituted my normal chancellorial slacks for a pair of comfortable, stylish, denim jeans. Yet for the entire […]
Local Redditor Successfully Disproves God’s Existence
WESTWOOD — Church attendance across the United States has completely halted after a local atheist, under the username “yungkarlm4rx420,” posted an anti-religious picture on Reddit. […]
Senior Scholar Dies
WESTWOOD — 84-year-old second-year political science major Ingrid Miller, known by her fellow political science students as a recurring “senior scholar,” died midway through an […]
Target Pushes Further Into Ralphs’ Territory, War Imminent
WESTWOOD — With the annexation of the shared stairwell, Target has pushed further into Ralphs’ territory, which experts believe will surely result in a formal […]
Student Swamped With Work Watches Three Episodes of “Friends”
WESTWOOD — Craig Hillsdale, a fourth-year political science student, is enrolled in four classes that are all holding final exams in the following three days. […]
SCAND 50 Professor Starting To Get Suspicious
WESTWOOD — UCLA professor Teresa Andersen is reportedly getting suspicious about the consistent school-wide enthusiasm for her course, Scandinavian 50. “Well, yeah, I do think it’s […]
Area Man Doesn’t Skate, Dies
LOS ANGELES — Yesterday, area man John Thacher dropped dead moments after his condemnation of skateboards, not taking heed of the ramifications indicated by the […]
Mitch McConnell Revealed As True Father Of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
WASHINGTON — In a stunning turn of events, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R – KY) has been confirmed as the true biological father of […]
Student Wishes More Than Anything He Did Provolone Instead Of Mozzarella
WESTWOOD — Just a few minutes after ordering Mozzarella on his gourmet sandwich from The Study, first-year Hill resident Ben Larson realized his blunder. […]