On The Paper

Opinion: Half The Government Is Fired And I Still Need A Real ID?

May 8, 2025 Emma Searing 0

Elon Musk, If you can find any room in your Grinch-sized heart, please do your job for once. If you are trying to make the […]

Opinion: They Should Let The New Pope Have Gay Sex Once So He Can See If It Should Still Be Banned Or Not

May 7, 2025 Georgia McNeill 0

With the death of Pope Francis, the first “woke pope,” the cardinals will soon enter conclave to pick the newest pontifex. I liked Pope Francis. […]

UCPD Arrests Student For Thinking About Palestine

April 30, 2025 Maggie Kwan 0

WESTWOOD — UCPD officers reported that their week of sitting on their asses at Royce has finally proven useful as they arrested a passerby for […]

One Year Later: Police Reprise Role As Useless Bystanders

April 24, 2025 Celeste Acosta 0

WESTWOOD — Nearing the one-year anniversary of the encampment, police can once again be seen standing around Royce doing jack shit. “What?” said Sergeant Rogers, […]

Fat Sal’s And Five Other UCLA Traditions That Suck Ass

March 19, 2025 Georgia McNeill 0

The only time I’ve ever been to Fat Sal’s was when I was either drunk or high out of my mind, which makes sense because […]

The Enabler Reviews: Big Blue Bus Anti Homeless Architecture

March 16, 2025 Emma Searing 0

Big Blue Bus Bench Architect, You never fail to charm me. Your ingenuity in creating unusable bus benches is truly inspiring. While the impoverished LA […]

UCLA’S Top Five Sexually Eligible Statues

March 12, 2025 Shayne Sweet 0

5. John Wooden It’s no surprise that a man whose first and last names both mean penis is coming in hot on this list. John […]

Top Five Goonable Robots

March 7, 2025 David Doutman 0

Robots. One of the greatest and most attractive inventions ever thought up. They can help you with chores, they have superhuman strength, and best of […]