Big Blue Bus Bench Architect,
You never fail to charm me. Your ingenuity in creating unusable bus benches is truly inspiring. While the impoverished LA Metro would simply make a bench with a few dividers to discourage the homeless, you go beyond. You push the envelope of anti-homeless architecture in a way that resembles the hostile architecture of a much smaller city with two public transit riders.
Every time I arrive at a stop, I marvel at the blue colored monstrosity that can be called a bench only in name. The lousy two-centimeter circular shade and complete lack of cleanliness only further adds to your brilliance of creating deceptively horrible bus stops. Master Architect, the subtleties of design do not elude you. As a fan, an admirer, I am stunned at the sheer creativity and pure disdain for the poor you imbue in every bench. Below I have compiled a few favorites:
1. The Leap Frog Lily Pad Seats:
Immediately, I am impressed. Mos would throw in the towel when faced with designing an anti-homeless transit center. The poors simply need too much seating. However, you have stunned and amazed me with these “seats.” Now, passengers can uncomfortably sit on an odd, unsupportive disc with a solid five feet of personal space between them. Perfect for social distancing, which the city definitely still cares about. The only possible utility for these benches is a quick “floor is lava” game. It is unsleepable, and maybe even unsittable.
2. The Cuck Chair
The cuck chair may be the most surprisingly unsittable bench in your entire repertoire, oh Architect. This chair establishes what we already knew: transit riders, the cucks of the motorway, can now literally be cucked watching cars go by while they wait for their ever-late Big Blue Bus to arrive. It invites a moral conundrum: what kind of greed possesses someone to take the only chair at the stop? What if an old lady hobbles over? The sheer psychic damage inflicted by this chair removes any utility in an otherwise surprisingly comfortable bench.
3. The Flared Base
You’ve done it again. Truly breaking the ceiling on anti-homeless ingenuity. The questionable safety of this bench as a dildo only furthers its beauty. You heard the feedback about the cuck chair. Oh, you idiots want more than one seat? You want to sit with your friends? You toss the flared base stop at them, recognizing their pleas for what they really are: an excuse for a bench that would be too comfortable, too sleepable. The flared base bravely asks, “what if passengers could talk through the back of their heads?”
4. The Metal Sofa
Oh, metal sofa. This might be your most cerebral piece yet, Architect. The illusionary “comfort” of the rounded metal sofa model hides the sheer lack of utility found in these benches. Those sad vagrants can only dream of finding a comfortable position in these chairs. Their rounded shape gives way to a sharp, 90-degree interior that even the hardiest public transit user would balk at sitting in. You balance the illusion of care with your true motives well. An inspiration to us all.