1. Fat Sal’s
The only time I’ve ever been to Fat Sal’s was when I was either drunk or high out of my mind, which makes sense because there is no possible way any rational mind could justify going here. The only way anyone would ever go here is if you were so sloshed you could barely keep your eyes open long enough to see the insane menu items and even crazier prices next to them. If I ever spend twenty fucking dollars on a sandwich with the worst onion rings of my life inside it dead sober, I hope God smites me then and there for my hubris. While a Fat Sal’s sandwich may satisfy drunk cravings, so does In-N-Out, the taco stands, and my roommate’s leftovers — all of which are much cheaper. It boggles the mind that they sponsor athletic events. If Eric Dailey Jr. ever ate the “Fat Sal”, I’m pretty sure he might have cardiac arrest and our men’s basketball team would start to lose even harder than they already do. Fuck you, Sal.
2. Diddy Riese
Another unbelievably overrated “food” staple of Westwood is Diddy Reese. Since its founding in 1983, you’ve been able to ask any alum young enough to not remember Watergate, and they’ll talk hours into the night about their love for getting high and eating these cheap and fresh cookies. Pot must’ve been much better back then though, because I have never once wanted to go here. The cookies are dry, the ice cream is shit, there’s always a long ass line, and it’s right next to the vastly superior Hibachi Papi. They may as well rename themselves to Middy Reese. Probably would help to get away from the whole “Diddy” thing too.
3. Westwood Block Party
For those of you who enjoy UCLA, but believe there isn’t enough waiting in line, boy do I have the event for you. Established after the pandemic, the Westwood Block Party is the newest tradition on this list, but that doesn’t mean it can’t suck just as bad! The Block Party is like UCLA administration doing everything possible to make everyone there as overstimulated as possible while also being an excellent opportunity for the chancellor to get photos with students while they’re too overwhelmed to say anything. Also, there’s a Ferris wheel! It may take four hours to make it to the front of the line, but weary students should be relieved to find out that the Ferris wheel also sucks ass.
4. The 8 Clap
I’m over it. This was exciting for about two weeks my freshman year. May as well be called the masturbeight clap the way the school loves to jerk itself off with this. We don’t even have eight good players on the football team. NEXT!
5. The Roebling Bonfire
Meant to take place after the Trojans are defeated by UCLA, all the Roebling Bonfire has amounted to in the last few years is some charred egos and loud-ass firetrucks. Maybe I’m just mad because in my three years here I have yet to see a successful Roebling Bonfire (please invite me), but the Bonfire has to go. The Roebling Bonfire is a destructive tradition that has no (I’ll do anything) space in the modern world. Whether thrown by AEPi (I’ll even become a brother) or someone else, the block party is simply an excuse for spoiled college students to do something destructive. Count me out.
