Migrant Crisis Reminds Man To Check For Ants Under Kitchen Sink
WESTWOOD—A recent article considering the migrant crisis in Western Europe reminded area man Jacob Schultz to check for ants under his kitchen sink. “They might […]
National
Website With Viruses Goes On Juice Cleanse
ONLINE—This Thursday the online forum AboutYourDog announced it was going on a juice cleanse. “I’ve just been feeling majorly bloated, and these viruses – yuck!” […]
Tearful Jeff Sessions Puts Cheburashka Doll In Storage
WASHINGTON—Attorney General Jeff Sessions burst into tears today while hiding his Cheburashka plush doll in the bottom of a plastic storage container, anonymous White House […]
Op-Ed: So Pedophilia Is The Line?
As the world’s most dangerous faggot™ I, Milo Yiannopoulos, have always strived to present the true and disturbing facts about the cancerous spread of third […]
M. Night Shyamalan Announces New Movie Entitled “Please Help Me, I Can’t Stop”
HOLLYWOOD – Following fast on the heels of his new film Split, famed director M. Night Shyamalan has announced his latest movie entitled Please Help […]
Something Happened In Sports
HOUSTON, TX — On Feb. 5, something big happened at a sporting event somewhere involving some athletes and a ball. “Yeah, I just can’t believe […]
Supreme Playground Court Upholds 5 Second Rule
TOPEKA, KS— In a narrow 5-4 vote, the Supreme Playground Court of Smileyvale Elementary School ruled that the “Five Second Rule” was constitutional. “We really […]
Santa Delivers Coal To Rust Belt, Stimulating Economy
Johnstown, PA–In the early hours of Christmas morning, Santa Claus helped president-elect Donald J. Trump deliver on his campaign promise to reinvigorate the rust belt’s […]
Dr. Ben Carson Appointed To Remove Stick From Mike Pence’s Ass
WASHINGTON–With Donald J. Trump’s transition team still filling positions in his cabinet, the president-elect has announced the appointment of retired neurosurgeon and former primary rival […]
Woman Brings Up Her Sex Life To Avoid Discussing Politics At Thanksgiving Dinner
MILWAUKEE, WI—Cutting off her father as he started to praise the new President-elect, Amy Richardson began a detailed discussion of her sex life. “Hey Dad, […]