M. Night Shyamalan Announces New Movie Entitled “Please Help Me, I Can’t Stop”

The twist? He can’t stop.

HOLLYWOOD – Following fast on the heels of his new film Split, famed director M. Night Shyamalan has announced his latest movie entitled Please Help Me, I Can’t Stop. “I’m very excited to be working on this new project,” said the director, whose face bore a harrowed look of anxiety as if desperately pleading for help. “I think it’s going to be great.” The notable filmmaker says his new movie is about an Indian-born film director who physically resembles Shyamalan himself and has a pathological obsession with making suspenseful films with contrived premises and/or plot twists. “The main character is a very desperate man on a path of self-destruction who needs all the help he can possibly get,” Shyamalan said slowly, gazing ferociously and unblinkingly into the reporter’s eyes. At press time, the director left so he could stare at his reflection in a shattered mirror and cryptically murmur, “What have you become…” for fifteen minutes.