Area Douche Identifies With TV Anti-Hero
WESTWOOD — In what onlookers have described as a “display of pure originality,” local douchebag Jake Gordonsky revealed last Friday that he totally identifies with […]
National
Buttigieg Worried He Won’t Win Enough States To Become Real Boy
SOUTH BEND, IN — Despite recent success in Iowa and New Hampshire, sources close to Pete Buttigieg claim that the Democratic hopeful is worried he […]
Gene Block Declares Victory In Iowa
DES MOINES — In the midst of the confusion surrounding the Iowa Democratic presidential caucus’ final results, UCLA chancellor and full-time heartthrob Gene Block has […]
Iowa To Adopt “Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Moe” Voting System
DES MOINES — In response to widespread criticism of its recent caucus, the Iowa Democratic Party has announced that they will be transitioning to an […]
Baby Yoda Arrested For Tax Evasion
CHICAGO — Late last Monday evening, America’s little green sweetheart, Baby Yoda, was arrested outside his Chicago mansion for alleged tax evasion. The IRS, aided […]
New York Times Endorses Festering Corpse Of George McGovern For President
NEW YORK — The New York Times editorial board made the unexpected choice Sunday to endorse George McGovern, failed 1972 presidential candidate and rotting corpse, […]
Report: Whistleblower Not Actually Man Blowing Whistle
WASHINGTON, D.C — In light of President Donald Trump’s ongoing impeachment process, it has been brought to the attention of the general public that a […]
Biden Cautions Voters To Not Let Their Dreams Become Reality
CEDAR RAPIDS — At a campaign stop in Iowa on Thursday, former Vice President and Democratic hopeful Joe Biden cautioned voters to not let their […]
Bald Eagle Buys Wig
ROCKPORT, WA — Visitors at the Skagit River Bald Eagle Interpretive Center report spotting a bald eagle flying near the Center wearing a fashionable wig. […]
Potential Employer Glad You Reached Out
LOS ANGELES — A potential employer called a press conference at 8:35 this morning to announce how glad they are that you reached out. “We […]