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Articles by Alex Lewis

About Alex Lewis
Born and raised in San Francisco, Alex Lewis is one of the few remaining practitioners of the art of dueling, a method of resolving conflict practiced from the 15th to 20th century in Western societies. Since the Civil War, all U.S. states have criminalized dueling, with punishments ranging from not being allowed to run for public office to the death penalty.

Gene Block Declares Victory In Iowa

February 5, 2020 Alex Lewis 0

DES MOINES — In the midst of the confusion surrounding the Iowa Democratic presidential caucus’ final results, UCLA chancellor and full-time heartthrob Gene Block has […]

Op-Ed: SexyBack By Justin Timberlake Just Metaphor For Cold War

December 3, 2019 Justin Timberlake 0

Yo, the name’s Justin Timberlake and I’m the creative genius behind the 2006 hit “SexyBack.” I’ve been called “the most talented artist of our generation,” […]

Trump Denies Collusion, Claims To Be Ukrainian President

November 3, 2019 Alex Lewis 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump appears to be firing back after being thoroughly criticized for his conversation with Volodymyr Zelensky, the Ukrainian president. “Witch […]

  • Math Professor Doesn’t Know That Half Of Ten Weeks Is Five Weeks

    WESTWOOD — This week, local math professor Dr. Ivil has come under fire after scheduling a midterm for Week 4, a week that is definitively […]

  • Stolen Goods Stolen From Place With Exclusively Stolen Goods

    PARIS — Parisian police officers were stunned to discover this weekend that priceless jewels were stolen from the Louvre, a place that exclusively houses priceless […]

  • BPlate Announces Collab With McDonald’s To Ensure Froyo Machine Breaks More Often

    WESTWOOD – In a surprise new development, BPlate has announced a partnership with the fast food chain McDonald’s to ensure that the froyo machine remains […]

  • Government Shutdown Finally Hits Canvas

    WESTWOOD — Students everywhere awoke this morning to the modern equivalent of snow outside their windows: Canvas has been shut down due to bipartisan gridlock. […]

  • Opinion: If You A Stressed Baddie Who Procrastinated Before Canvas Went Down, This One’s For You

Featured Authors

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Georgia McNeill
  • Antisemitism Is Over! Trump Administration Cuts Funding From Cancer Research
  • Top Four Ways To Come Out To Your Family So They Can’t Say No
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
Sam Rusk
  • Top 5 UCLA Study Spots If You Don’t Need Outlets, Wifi, Tables or Chairs
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style

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