Gene Block Declares Victory In Iowa

Graphic by Alex Lewis

DES MOINES — In the midst of the confusion surrounding the Iowa Democratic presidential caucus’ final results, UCLA chancellor and full-time heartthrob Gene Block has declared his campaign’s victory.

“This win isn’t about me, it’s about all of the people that feel like they don’t have a voice in our campus community,” said Chancellor Block, eliciting thunderous 8-claps from every direction.

“Every day, our movement is growing, and at this rate I’m expecting to declare victory in New Hampshire by this weekend,” he roared with the strength of a thousand suns, calling upon the powers of the heavens and the earth to aid him in his triumph.

When asked his opinion about the malfunctioning app that led to the delay in caucus results, Chancellor Block suggested the DNC look into using Duo Push multi-factor authentication.

About Alex Lewis 3 Articles
Born and raised in San Francisco, Alex Lewis is one of the few remaining practitioners of the art of dueling, a method of resolving conflict practiced from the 15th to 20th century in Western societies. Since the Civil War, all U.S. states have criminalized dueling, with punishments ranging from not being allowed to run for public office to the death penalty.