On-Campus Residents Demand More Spaces For Sitting Alone, Sobbing Quietly
WESTWOOD—In a new petition that has been gaining traction this week, Hill residents are looking to increase the number of spaces currently allocated for sitting alone […]
Campus
Candlelight Vigil Held To Commemerate Lack Of Poon
WESTWOOD – Students at UCLA prepare to weep in solidarity at the overwhelming lack of poon. This weekend a vigil will be held on campus […]
Toy Missing: Last Spotted in Westwood Area
LAB SCHOOL SANDBOX – Mrs. Frisby’s first grade class went wild Monday after Thomas the Tank Engine did not return from his lunchtime adventure. “It’s […]
Newly Committed Class Contains 19,000 Students With Bullshit Club Cabinet Positions
WESTWOOD—Proudly stating that the new UCLA freshman class will be full of young, ambitious students, the admissions office has announced that 4,000 of the 5,000 […]
Engineering Major Just In It For The Lack Of Female Contact
WESTWOOD — Observing that women are “never worth it anyways” and that getting an education is “much more rewarding than a relationship could ever be”, […]
Campus To Feature Three New Construction Sites By 2016
WESTWOOD – In accordance with newly-ordained construction regulations, UCLA administration announced plans to add an additional three new construction sites to campus this week, slated […]
New Student Catches Cold, Not Sure What They Did To Deserve It
WESTWOOD — Complaining about a constant runny nose and high body temperature, freshman Jenny Clark is in complete disbelief about the reasons for the sickness […]
TFT Tests Positive For James Franco
WESTWOOD — A test issued at random last Tuesday by the Centers for Celebrity Disease Control came up positive on multiple counts of Celebrity, indicating […]
Students Vow To Start Procrastinating Earlier In Quarter
WESTWOOD – After an academically disappointing quarter, a group of second-year UCLA students has resolved to start procrastinating earlier next quarter. “Normally I don’t feel guilty […]
6 AM Great Time To Leaf-Blow Outside Dorms
WESTWOOD – Recent reports from UCLA groundskeepers indicate that 6AM is the ideal time to leaf-blow the area outside of the dorms. “It’s so quiet, […]