UCLA Students Shocked To Find Out UCLA Not In Israel
WESTWOOD — Students at UCLA expressed shock when they learned earlier today that contrary to what they had believed, UCLA is, in fact, located in […]
Campus
Last Couple Still Together From High School Finally Breaks Up
WESTWOOD—Sources confirmed Friday that the last remaining long distance relationship that began in high school between Amber Rogers and David Sowers has finally come to […]
Philosophy Student Would Descend Into Nihilistic Hedonism If He Could Get Laid
WESTWOOD—Admitting that he’s drawn to the idea of living a life of lust-filled gratification in an entropic universe with no intrinsic meaning, Philosophy major Anthony […]
Former Study Partner Returns To Unacknowledged Passerby Status
WESTWOOD—Freshman James Beckstead noted he saw a figure approaching that very closely resembled his CHEM 14A study partner from the fall quarter, but as their […]
Sleeping Classmate’s Nose Almost Touches Chest
WESTWOOD—Fourth-year Economics major Judy Caplin reported that her sleeping classmate’s nose had almost touched his chest during a philosophy lecture early Tuesday morning. “He was […]
Putrid Corpse Of Jackie Robinson Exhumed For Display On Campus Tours
WESTWOOD—Posing genially next to the putrid corpse of the American hero, Gene Block announced today that the earthly remains of the legendary UCLA Alumnus, Jackie […]
Student Hustles Cool Thousand From De Neve Pool Table
WESTWOOD—Lighting up a cigarette and chalking off the tip of his cue with a flourish, self-described “alternative student” Justin Hernandez hustled a cool thousand at […]
Prospective Student Waits For Dad To Stop Eye-Banging Cheerleaders At Bruin Transfer Day
WESTWOOD–Visiting from out of state and touring the campus on Bruin Transfer Day, prospective student John McDermot reportedly spent much of his time at UCLA […]
Despondent Bruin Republicans Plan Inflammatory Events Just To Feel Something, Anything
WESTWOOD—Bitter and desensitized by the current state of the GOP, a group of disillusioned Bruin Republicans gathered in Haines today where they pitched a series […]
‘Sick Kickflips’ Now Allowed In No-Skateboard Zones: UCLA Chancellor
WESTWOOD—UCLA Chancellor Gene Block approved a change to campus policy Friday that allows “sick kickflips” in designated “walk your wheels” zones. “Since the day our […]