Increasingly Desperate Clubs Begin Selling Organs On Bruinwalk
WESTWOOD — After a decline in sales of Porto’s Bakery rolls and Krispy Kreme donuts, increasingly desperate clubs have begun selling their own organs on […]
Life
Ruh Roh! Scooby-Doo Put Down
OHIO — Tragedy struck this morning as beloved speech-impaired dog Scooby-Doo was put down. “He, like, mauled an old guy for pretending he was a […]
Time Flies: 2005 Baby Officially Queer Elder
WESTWOOD — Second-year Theater major and non-binary messiah Cricket Vanderbilt made history this week as the first queer elder born after the invention of Facebook. […]
Veggie Tales Films Season Premiere At B-Plate
WESTWOOD — This winter, the hit Christian animated show Veggie Tales will be filming its season premiere at B-Plate. “We scouted everywhere in Hollywood for […]
Paul McCartney, Bob Dylan To Headline “They’re Alive?” Festival
INDIO — Early Thursday morning, organizers of the famed “They’re Alive?” festival excitedly announced their two headliners: Paul McCartney and Bob Dylan. “No, it was […]
4 Things I Refuse To Apologize For After Being Held Hostage By The Pirates Of The Caribbean Animatronics For 93 Days
At first, I was ashamed. I was mortified. For years and years I hid in the shadows. I felt… embarrassed. I was embarrassed by all […]
Fine, Sure, Whatever: The Bear Wins Grammy for Song of the Year
LOS ANGELES — In a shocking upset, FX’s “The Bear” has won this year’s Grammy Award for Song of the Year. “I don’t really know […]
Ariana Grande Turns White After Eating Really Good Meatloaf
BOCA RATON, FL – Ethnically ambiguous queen Ariana Grande has become white again after taking a bite of good ol’ fashioned meatloaf. “Well, golly! I […]
Lucky Color! My Period Falls During Lunar New Year
In Chinese culture, red represents good fortune, prosperity, and vitality. So I guess my period starting fifteen minutes into a two-hour lecture today means my […]
Heartbreaking: Newborn Really Named Kyle
JACKSONVILLE, FL — New “boy mom” Karen Shields recently shocked her Facebook friends by announcing the birth of her terribly named son, Kyle. “When my […]