Off-Campus Students Realize They Have To Feed Themselves To Live
WESTWOOD — Off-campus student Jess Rodgers expressed frustration Tuesday after learning that Earth did not have dining halls everywhere and that she needed to find […]
Culture
Toy Story 5 Trailer Depicts Andy’s Sex Toys Coming To Life
HOLLYWOOD — In a surprise announcement made Tuesday morning, Pixar revealed its plans for the production of Toy Story 5. “The concept is basically the […]
The Girl Boss’s Guide To Discussing Inception Without Ever Watching It
Ready for a movie that you’ll like as much as you hate condoms? Christopher Nolan’s cinematic masterpiece is beloved by film bros everywhere, and soon […]
Breaking: UCLA Has A Women’s Basketball Team, Too!
WESTWOOD — Undercover journalists for the Daily Bruin’s sports desk have unearthed information suggesting that UCLA has a women’s basketball team that also wins games […]
5 Organs To Steal From Your Significant Other Other Than Their Heart
Strapped for cash for the best Valentine’s Day gift? Already donated all the blood you can to the blood and platelet center? Not to fret– […]
Gene Block Sees Shadow, 6 More Weeks Of Online School
WESTWOOD— Yesterday morning, UCLA Chancellor Gene Block emerged out of his burrow and saw his own shadow, thus dooming UCLA students to six more weeks […]
“He’s Cuter In Person,” And Other Lies To Tell Your Friends About Him
Girly, we’ve all been there. You start talking to a new guy and you’re eager to gab with your girlfriends about this new potential mans […]
Chick-Fil-A Promises To Donate Half Of Employees’ Wages To LGBT Charities
COLLEGE PARK, GA — In a groundbreaking win for LGBT rights, Chick-Fil-A has announced its decision to donate half of its employees’ hourly wages to […]
Student Saves Time To Stare At Wall By Watching Lectures At Double Speed
WESTWOOD — This year’s Omicron crisis has pushed many students into busy remote schedules, forcing them to listen to lectures at double speed to preserve […]
Heartwarming! Virgins Across Nation Come Together Each Day To Guess Five Letter Word
U.S.A. — Thanks to the latest online craze, Wordle, virgins from coast to coast are bonding over the exciting opportunity to guess a new five-letter […]