LITTLE SAINT JAMES — The latest low-resolution document dump of the Epstein Files revealed a 2004 Thanksgiving seating chart consisting of only kids’ tables. “Some kid refused to eat anything other than a Big Mac and told someone to ‘shut up, piggy,’ even though ham wasn’t on the menu. I’m at my wit’s end trying to figure out who this poor, exploited child was,” said Department of Justice staffer Ian Quisitive while buying a corkboard and copious amounts of red string. “Through cross-referencing birth records, we know there was a fourteen year old named Samantha from Hartford at one of the tables, but we’re trying to find the identity of the kid next to her, some British kid named Andrew. For some reason, MI6 keeps stonewalling us when we email them for leads on who this wee bloke could be.” At press time, Quisitive was seen sorting through the Epstein family’s traditional Thanksgiving stories about the original pilgrim pedophiles that founded the United States.
