WESTWOOD — In a Westwood Enabler exclusive interview, third-year Rebecca Wright announced that she will be starting a gluten-free diet, although she plans to continue her usual practice of having strangers’ genitals in her mouth. “Our bodies are temples and they aren’t even evolved to process wheat products. Gluten actually sits in your large intestine for three years, did you know that?” said Wright, who does not suffer from Celiac disease. “If I’m gonna be going down on a stranger in the bathroom of a frat basement, I want to be in the moment and not worrying about what kind of toxic wheat-sludge sitting in my stomach is eating away at my organs.” At press time, Wright was seen drinking a home-remedy lemon “detox” tea to treat a bad case of oral herpes.
About Kylie Kinne 12 Articles
Kylie Kinne is a third-year physics major from San Antonio, Texas. When she’s not writing satirical news, she enjoys piña coladas, getting caught in the rain, and making love at midnight in the dunes of the cape.