UCLA Frat Issues Notes App Apology for Alleged Serial Sexual Assault

WESTWOOD On Monday, a UCLA Fraternity was cornered into finally addressing their countless sexual assault allegations. Their method of addressing this serious issue was to post a “notes app apology” to Instagram. “We are learning and growing (not showing)” said Jake Dickman, who has “never intentionally committed sexual assault”.
Their post consisted of two slides, the first one simply reading “sorry for the sexual assault :/”. The second slide was longer, but somehow showed less accountability than the first.

The slide read as follows:

We are actively working with the IFC and FSL to:

1. Host workshops at our chapter to educate members on how to wipe their poopy all by themselves

2. Facilitate internal conversation about how we can best exploit the working class when we graduate

3. Utilize resources made available by UCLA, such as negligent administration and our wealthy alumni network

At press time, the Fraternity immediately posted 3 separate posts of their performative philanthropy (teaching old folks how to use Snapchat) to bury the apology.