WESTWOOD — In an unprecedented move of unclear motive, UCLA officials announced that Royce Hall will be opening its doors to students during the wee hours of the night. “Suck it, Powell! Thought you were hot shit, huh? Well, two can play your little game,” exclaimed Reggie Squeeter, the self-appointed Steward of Royce Hall, while excitedly waving glowing airport tarmac batons in the direction of Royce’s wide-open doors. “This has been a long time coming. I can’t tell you how sick I am of those smug Night Powell CSOs strutting around like they actually work there or something. Every night I’d be minding my business, tending to Royce affairs, and then they’d start in with the same bullcrap. ‘Oh Reggie, Royce is closed, time to go home! Hey Reggie, you’re not a UCLA employee and are therefore trespassing! Come on Reggie, don’t make us call the cops, Reggie!’ Well, who’s calling the cops now?” At press time, Squeeter was seen patrolling Royce’s empty hallways, shouting at nobody in particular to have their Bruincards out and ready.
