UCLA Employs Team of Sherpas to Assist Students Up The Hill
WESTWOOD — In response to student complaints about accessibility issues, UCLA has hired a team of Sherpas to assist struggling students up The Hill. “In […]
Month: February 2020
Op-Ed: Crosswalk May Stop My Walk, But It Cannot Stop The Winds Of Time
WESTWOOD — Well well well, look who it is. Mister “Oh you have to wait a few seconds even though there are no cars.” You […]
Students Start To Pack, Professor Filibusters
WESTWOOD — As Math 33A neared 3:50 p.m. last Friday, students began to pack in eager anticipation of no longer learning things. “Class isn’t over,” […]
Area Douche Identifies With TV Anti-Hero
WESTWOOD — In what onlookers have described as a “display of pure originality,” local douchebag Jake Gordonsky revealed last Friday that he totally identifies with […]
Flustered Quentin Tarantino Begins Teaching Himself Korean
HOLLYWOOD — Acclaimed film director Quentin Tarantino, after losing an Academy Award to Parasite, has reportedly begun teaching himself Korean. “I thought the Academy would […]
Buttigieg Worried He Won’t Win Enough States To Become Real Boy
SOUTH BEND, IN — Despite recent success in Iowa and New Hampshire, sources close to Pete Buttigieg claim that the Democratic hopeful is worried he […]
Gene Block Declares Victory In Iowa
DES MOINES — In the midst of the confusion surrounding the Iowa Democratic presidential caucus’ final results, UCLA chancellor and full-time heartthrob Gene Block has […]
Gang Of Musical Theater Majors Terrorizes Students, Snaps Rhythmically
WESTWOOD — This past week, a roving gang of musical theater students hell-bent on verbally, physically, and musically assaulting every non-Gleek within reach plagued UCLA’s […]
Week Five Has Students Saying “Oh Wow, It’s Week Five”
WESTWOOD — It is now week five of the quarter, which means students across campus are realizing it is the fifth week of the quarter. […]
Bird Tipping Not the Same, Say Students Of Rural Background
WESTWOOD — Early Friday morning, students hailing from rural hometowns saw an opportunity to engage in a favorite childhood pastime after drunkenly stumbling past herds […]