MIT Researchers Develop Method For Teeth To Get Sunburnt

Graphic by Dylan Wood

CAMBRIDGE, MA — In a scientific breakthrough, researchers at MIT have developed a mixture which, upon consumption, allows teeth to develop severe sunburns. “Why? Because fuck you,” stated Dr. Dexter Collins, head of MIT’s research and development team. “We’ve spent years of painstaking research making the world a better place, but you guys couldn’t give two shits, could you? So we invented this stuff and dumped it into the water supply.” Collins could not be reached for further comment, as he was scheduled to announce the release of a brand-new sunscreen-toothpaste blend.

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About Dylan Wood 15 Articles
Dylan Wood is an American actor and filmmaker. He is known for his comedic and dramatic roles in such films as Splash (1984), Big (1988), Turner & Hooch (1989), Sleepless in Seattle (1993), Forrest Gump(1994), Apollo 13 (1995), You've Got Mail (1998), Cast Away (2000), Captain Phillips(2013), Saving Mr. Banks (2013), Sully (2016), and A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (2019). He has also starred in the Robert Langdon films, and he voices Sheriff Woody in the Toy Story film series. He is one of the most popular and recognizable film stars worldwide, and he is widely regarded as an American cultural icon.