NEW YORK CITY — At a press conference in the Trump Tower this past Thursday, Donald Trump demanded that Santa Claus relocate his workshop to the United States. “I’m sick of all these companies moving their plants abroad — Nabisco got away with moving their production to Mexico, but I won’t stand for Santa’s workshop to keep operating in the North Pole. We have plenty of American elves willing to work in that factory,” said Trump, who also expressed outrage over Santa’s reindeer flying over the border every year, calling them rapists and murderers. “Who cares about the North pole? It’s stupid; only losers live there. I could build a pole — a huge pole. I’ve built skyscrapers and golf courses, and, goddamn it, I’ll build the tallest pole in the world. If we want to start winning again, we have to have Santa start operating domestically, and we have to build an American pole.” At press time, Donald Trump was spotted dressed up as Santa, with Ted Cruz sitting on his lap asking for the Vice Presidency.
About Jack Lyons 68 Articles
Area Man. Freelance fraternity president. Aspiring father of two. Probable future Nobel laureate. Occasionally collude with Russia.