WESTWOOD—Attempting to give himself more time on his exam Tuesday, second-year Statistics-major Mike Foster got a head start on his Math 33A final as well as his status among peers as an “asshole.”
“I hadn’t formed any opinion of Mike prior to today and had no plans to do so,” said classmate Riley Schmidt, “but the instant he disregarded the TA’s instruction to keep our exams facedown, I immediately pegged him as a human anus.”
Schmidt expounded that with one premature, manic flip of the paper, Foster had earned the same negative social distinction as that of a “line-cutter” or an “un-ironic fedora-wearer.”
“Sure, maybe Mike will receive better marks on the test, but it also makes him a grade-A a-hole,” said Schmidt.
Others in the class confirmed their displeasure with Foster’s behavior, positing that his previously clean slate was likely covered in formulas he was too lazy to memorize and that tests “probably weren’t the only thing Mike cheated on.”
Many students were ambivalent about which circle of Hell Foster would ultimately end up in, but they were certain whichever one it was, it would be “smelly, brown, and puckered.”
At press time, several teaching assistants were seen trying to pry the test from Foster’s possession hours after “pencils down.”