LOS ANGELES — Earlier this week during an informal interview inside of an Applebee’s, Cole Sprouse revealed that he absorbed his third brother, Sheldon, while still in the womb. “It’s my biggest regret, and every day I wish things had gone differently,” said the Riverdale star, sobbing profusely. “I just…I just miss him so much. When I think of what could have been…his childhood, his first word, his role in The Suite Life of Zack and Cody and Sheldon…it’s all too much.” When asked to comment on the revelation, the currently unabsorbed Dylan Sprouse refused to comment, implying possible collaboration on the project. At press time, media outlets had already begun labeling the mass gained by the star in utero as a “performance-enhancing drug.”
About Ben Robinow 4 Articles
Ben is a first-year ecology, behavior, and evolution major who is merely a vessel for a being whose true form your puny mortal brain could not begin to fathom. He enjoys his days on earth, and hopes that you do too, as they are numbered.