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Month: November 2019

First-Year Debuts New Personality At Thanksgiving

November 29, 2019 Nick Lansing 0

MINNEAPOLIS — 19-year-old Thor Bjornson was spotted deplaning in sandals and a The Longest Summer t-shirt at Minneapolis-St.Paul International Airport on Wednesday night. “I’m stoked […]

Potential Employer Glad You Reached Out

November 28, 2019 Jay Varhula 0

LOS ANGELES — A potential employer called a press conference at 8:35 this morning to announce how glad they are that you reached out. “We […]

Zuckerberg Under Fire Following Reports Of Dinner With Lex Luthor, Legion of Doom

November 28, 2019 Dylan Wood 0

HALL OF DOOM — Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg is in hot water following reports of “off-the-record” dinners with Lex Luthor and assorted members of the […]

Local Man Not Nazi, Just Thinks Swastikas Look Cool

November 21, 2019 Jade Lacy 0

LOS ANGELES — In an unsolicited interview Friday evening, local WASP Luke Campbell adamantly refused any allegiance to the Third Reich, despite a prominent swastika […]

Dick Cheney Finds Unlikely Success as TikTok Star

November 21, 2019 Yvonne Delzompo 0

CASPER, WY — Former Vice President Dick Cheney created an account on TikTok last week and credited Donald Trump as the inspiration behind his decision […]

CAPS Introduces New “Ball-and-Stick With Smiley Faces” Counseling Unit

November 21, 2019 Matthew Carter 0

WESTWOOD — In an effort to keep up with the rising demand of students seeking mental health treatment, UCLA Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) announced […]

Number of Acapella Groups Reaches Triple Digits

November 21, 2019 Griffin Stout 0

WESTWOOD — Local UCLA officials reported today that the number of campus acapella groups has reached triple digits, and shows no sign of slowing down. […]

Bruin Plate Introduces Bottomless Mimosas

November 20, 2019 Griffin Stout 0

WESTWOOD — The UCLA Housing department has recently announced that Bruin Plate, UCLA’s newest and largest dining hall, will begin serving bottomless mimosas beginning in […]

Study: Productivity Increases 360% When Chairs Can Swivel All The Way Around

November 20, 2019 Nathan Grovhoug 0

WESTWOOD — Confidently swiveling in all directions to address her audience, project lead Angela Moriarty announced her team’s findings, which conclude that productivity increases 360% […]

Academy Accidentally Leaks Next Year’s “In Memoriam” Segment

November 18, 2019 Dylan Wood 0

LOS ANGELES — Members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences are attempting damage control following reports that next year’s Oscars “In Memoriam” […]

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