LOS ANGELES — A potential employer called a press conference at 8:35 this morning to announce how glad they are that you reached out.
“We appreciate you taking the time to interview for this position,” chanted all five members of the employer’s hiring team in unison as they read aloud a personalized and deeply emotional auto-reply email.
“Thank you for your interest in working with our company, and did we mention that we appreciate you taking the time to interview for this position?” continued the hiring team, collectively foaming at the mouth and wiping away said foam with their ties in perfect synchronization.
“We’re looking for team players who are detail-oriented. Let’s touch base later. Synergy. Management material! We should pivot that idea. We need to think outside the box and corner the market. Brother man! Get ahead of the game, get the ball rolling, and go the extra mile. Promote synergy. We’re waiting to hear back from corporate.”
At press time, the potential employer was particularly impressed with your “excellent verbal and written communication skills” as detailed by your resumé. Unfortunately, the hiring team could not be reached for comment on whether your complete lack of practical experience would have any bearing on their decision.