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Pinocchio Discovers Real World, No Longer Wants To Be Real Boy

June 18, 2022 Bella Dunham 0

TUSCANY — Pinocchio, despite his lifelong wish to become a real boy, has announced he rescinds his statement and would like to become a wooden […]

Duffl Employment Qualifications Include Not Fearing God

May 30, 2022 Blue Flood 0

WESTWOOD — In response to persistent questions about their hiring practices, Duffl has made public their employment qualifications, which include not fearing God. “Our ideal […]

Point: That’s A Cute Shirt / Counterpoint: Not With Your Boobs

May 23, 2022 Melissa Beining 0

P: That’s a cute shirt. By: Melissa Beining It’s everywhere. It follows. It can’t be categorized, yet it’s instantly recognizable. It’s inexplicable—yet, undeniable, too. Every […]

Hottest Spot For Grad Photos Is Sidewalk Pit Outside Of CVS

May 18, 2022 Gabby Bromberg 0

WESTWOOD — UCLA seniors are taking their grad photos at the hottest spot in town: the sidewalk pit outside of CVS. “In some ways, it’s […]

“Intersectionality,” And Other Buzzwords You Can Use To Justify Buying From Amazon

March 5, 2022 Jade Lacy 0

We all know how it goes. You run out of masks or printer ink or clean underwear, and you need more ASAP. There’s only one […]

Westwood Neighborhood Council Votes To Add More Vacant Pits

February 18, 2022 Jade Lacy 0

WESTWOOD — Citing an uncharacteristic lack of gaping holes in the ground, the Westwood Neighborhood Council voted Friday to add more vacant pits to the […]

Westwood Celebrates Lunar New Year by Adding 24th New Boba Shop

February 5, 2022 Hanna Barlow 0

WESTWOOD — As a celebration of the Lunar New Year, the Westwood Neighborhood Council has approved the addition of a 24th new boba shop in […]

Rihanna Teases Lullaby Album She Will Release On Baby’s Sixth Birthday

February 2, 2022 Melissa Beining 0

NEW YORK — Rihanna announced her pregnancy with ASAP Rocky this week, as well as plans for a lullaby album, though the release date is […]

2,022 Things To Look Forward To In 2022

January 7, 2022 Robi Chatterjee 0

2021 has wrapped up and we are now in a new year. Change can be scary, so here is a list of 2,022 things that […]

Gruntled Employee Brings In Cupcakes

December 28, 2021 Dylan Wood 0

PHOENIX— Law enforcement responded to a call this morning from the Phoenix Post Office after Joanne Baker, a gruntled former employee, brought in cupcakes. “Once […]

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