Op-Ed: As A Student Athlete, I Only Break Quarantine To Slap My Friend’s Ass
I am a proud member of the UCLA basketball team, and I respect that COVID-19 is a serious threat to the community. I would never […]
I am a proud member of the UCLA basketball team, and I respect that COVID-19 is a serious threat to the community. I would never […]
ENCINO, CA — The nation reeled Sunday afternoon after learning that area man Chis Peterson really just drank the fuck out of his glass of […]
WESTWOOD — In response to unexpectedly low scores on his Program in Computing 10A midterm, Professor Mikhael Gronkson impatiently reminded students that if they had […]
ATLANTA — In light of increased isolation measures, representatives from the Centers for Disease Control have issued a statement warning Americans to expect a spike […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Late last Tuesday night, reporters gathered in the crowded press briefing room to watch Vice President Mike Pence demonstrate the Trump Administration’s […]
KYOTO, JAPAN — Today, in a private interview with Enabler correspondents, Nintendo president Shuntaro Furukawa revealed that Nintendo orchestrated the Coronavirus pandemic to increase sales […]
SAN JOSE — Local weatherman Grayson Rays seemed a little less energetic than usual during yesterday’s evening news, Zooming into the broadcast while laying in […]
LOS ANGELES — Due to the rapid spread of coronavirus, precautionary measures put in place to combat the virus have only highlighted the sensual nature […]
WESTWOOD — After seeing a banner for UCLA’s Depression Grand Challenge, third year computer science major Michael Hodgekiss has made it his goal to win […]
WESTWOOD — UCLA freshman and self-proclaimed go-getter Laura Johnsonelli has reportedly begun arrangements for her own burial. “After I graduate med school, meet the optometrist […]
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