WASHINGTON, D.C. — Late last Tuesday night, reporters gathered in the crowded press briefing room to watch Vice President Mike Pence demonstrate the Trump Administration’s new COVID-19 inspired healthcare plan. Reporters from the Westwood Enabler paid extra to be seated in a cordoned-off section at the front of the room labeled “The Splash Zone.”
“All Americans should go out into their garages and find a hammer. The minute you or a family member develops any symptoms, simply smash,” Pence stated while waving a hammer over the hogtied body of a coughing White House intern. “Wouldn’t you rather die quickly as an American hero than die slowly while trying to figure out an elaborate insurance form, depriving another hardworking American of life-saving care?”
After ensuring that the intern was no longer a walking public health hazard, Pence handed off the hammer to Jeff Bezos, who made swift work of the Postmaster General. Viscera exploded out onto Bezos’s clothes, distorting the words on his new t-shirt reading “All Mail Is My Mail.”
“This plan will only work if all Americans keep a vigilant eye on their communities,” warned Pence while Secret Service agents dragged the corpses of these American heroes to a newly installed incinerator. “Please locate the sickest looking person in your neighborhood and deliver a swift tap to the back of their head.”
At press time, Lowes stock had reached a record high after a promotional video for the campaign featuring the rapper MC Hammer was released.