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Quarantine

“Don’t Worry, It’s Not COVID,” Says Woman With Rabies

January 4, 2023 Jade Lacy 0

TALLAHASSEE — After showing up to work with a high fever, Florida native Olivia Yeller reassured her coworkers that she does not have COVID, but […]

From “Ick” To “Sick”: The Guy You Were Planning On Ghosting Just Gave You Chlamydia

November 9, 2022 Idil Çenberci 0

WESTWOOD — Second-year communications major and amateur juggler Mike Rowe Dong is reported to have given you chlamydia after a night of passionless sex. Your […]

Angry woman shouting at mirror and crying

Screaming, Crying, Throwing Up: Learn To Spot The Symptoms Of E. coli

October 21, 2022 Melissa Beining 0

WESTWOOD — The CDC is reportedly concerned that signs of E. coli are being confused with reactions by some members of the public to recent […]

Molecular Sciences Building Explodes With Cure For Ligma Inside

September 29, 2022 Milo Ellison 0

WESTWOOD — In a red-hot BruinAlert sent out Thursday afternoon, UCLA announced that the Molecular Sciences Building has exploded, and with it, the cure for […]

CDC Drops 2nd C From Name

August 18, 2022 Dylan Wood 0

ATLANTA — Following a series of changes to their COVID-19 policies, the C.D.C. has declared that they will be dropping the second “C” from their […]

UCLA Announces Masks Now Optional, Also Pants

April 11, 2022 Hanna Barlow 0

BRUINWALK — UCLA has announced that, beginning April 11, students will no longer be required to wear masks — nor pants. “I’m so excited to […]

Students, Viruses Enjoy Return to Campus

February 10, 2022 Jade Lacy 0

WESTWOOD — The UCLA community, and the UCLA virus community lying dormant in students’ bloodstreams, began its return to campus this week with excitement. “It […]

UCLA Students Excited To Return In-Person But Also Not

February 4, 2022 Kathryn Steenburgh 0

WESTWOOD — UCLA students expressed collective excitement this week about the return to in-person instruction, but also not. “Yeah, I’m stoked to go back,” said […]

Student Becomes Disability Rights Advocate After His Midterms Shift To In-Person

January 28, 2022 Gabby Bromberg 0

WESTWOOD — A tireless new advocate for disability rights has emerged at UCLA in the form of fourth-year Jordan Jortson, who recently found out his […]

Student Saves Time To Stare At Wall By Watching Lectures At Double Speed

January 22, 2022 Arman 0

WESTWOOD — This year’s Omicron crisis has pushed many students into busy remote schedules, forcing them to listen to lectures at double speed to preserve […]

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