ATLANTA — Following a series of changes to their COVID-19 policies, the C.D.C. has declared that they will be dropping the second “C” from their name, effective immediately. “After careful consideration, we’ve elected to deprioritize all efforts to prevent, limit, or otherwise control the spread of disease in the United States,” announced Rochelle Wolensky, director of the Centers for Disease, before wiping her runny nose with a pamphlet labeled “Coronavirus Mitigation Strategies.” “We here at the C.D. are proud of the painstaking efforts undertaken over the last seventy-five years to combat everything from malaria to swine flu, but at this point we’re just kind of over the whole deal. Be well.” At press time, local news outlets were reporting on plans to revamp the agency’s freshly abandoned headquarters into a Dave & Buster’s.
