WESTWOOD — The CDC is reportedly concerned that signs of E. coli are being confused with reactions by some members of the public to recent celebrity cheating scandals, edits of K-Pop idols dancing, and trailers for movies that will receive 39% on Rotten Tomatoes. “Reports of screaming, crying, and throwing up have been traced to E. coli outbreaks for years,” said Deputy Director for Infectious Diseases Jay C. Butler, who showed The Enabler dozens of suspected cases in the comments of a TikTok documenting a healthy heterosexual relationship. “The Twitter response to Taylor Swift’s album indicated a cohort of symptomatic patients nearly 500 times larger than the Chipotle outbreak of 2015. And that was our 9/11.” At press time, the CDC was already beginning preparations for next summer’s anticipated “dual-wave” of thirst-trap posting and excessive bagged salad consumption.
