Supreme Court Now Looks More Like Sex Offender Registry
WASHINGTON, DC — With the confirmation of former District of Columbia Appeals Judge Brett Kavanaugh today, pundits agree that the United States Supreme Court now […]
Articles by Ross Rosenthal
Student With Den Pass Realizes They’re In For Long Year
WESTWOOD — Area student and Den Pass holder Kayla Parklamindi realized she was in for a long year today when the UCLA football team embarrassingly […]
Bruin Republicans Hold Emergency Summer Meeting
WESTWOOD — On Tuesday afternoon, Bruin Republicans President John Lawrence called an emergency meeting after Michael Cohen implicated President Trump in illegal cover-up payments and […]
BREAKING: Male RA Straight
WESTWOOD — Sources indicate that male RA Michael Uchida has demolished societal norms by not being gay. “This is a landmark moment for all male RAs […]
Area Douche Thinks Multi-Factor Authentication “Not That Bad, Man”
WESTWOOD — It has come out that area douche Michael Marks thinks that UCLA’s new multi-factor authentication is “not that bad, man”. “All you have to […]
Former UCLA Econ Major Forced To Settle For Entry-Level Job With Poor Health Benefits
PHOENIX, AZ — The Enabler recently did a profile on former UCLA economics student Joshua Rosen, who had decided to drop out of UCLA. Unfortunately, […]
BREAKING: Freshman’s Virginity Still Going Strong
WESTWOOD — It’s spring quarter, and somehow, local freshman James Rosenberg’s virginity is still intact. “I knew it was going to take some time, but […]
Fuck! Cambridge Analytica Knows I Don’t Have A Life
WESTWOOD — Fuck! I just heard on Facebook that Cambridge Analytica has all my information now! What will I do? Oh shit. Do they know that […]
Minotaur Found Deep Within Recesses Of MathSci-Boelter
MOUNT WESTWOOD — Alas, my friends, that day the quest was dark, For on such a mission I embark, I had seen Scylla and Charybdis, […]
Point: Mental Health Is So Important, Guys! / Counterpoint: I Wish That Depressed Loser With No Friends Would Fuck Off
Point: Mental Health Is So Important, Guys! By: Your RA Guys! Don’t you know mental health is so important? This campus is a safe space […]