Op-Ed: It’s Only Okay to Use Science to Alter God’s Plan If It Involves a Pill That Gives Me an Erection
God has made a plan for all of us. We should not attempt to alter that plan with so-called science,…
God’s Divine Plan Involves Pre-Marital Sex with Dylan from Calculus
HEAVEN—God’s divine plan for high school junior Emma Parsons involved a spiritual awakening in the form of pre-marital sex with…
CAPS Going to Need You to Postpone Mental Breakdown Until Two Months from Now
WESTWOOD—UCLA’s Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) announced in an official press release that it is going to need all students…
Op-Ed: I May Be Best Buy Employee of the Month, But I’m Far From Perfect
I am no superhuman, I am no deity, I am simply Best Buy’s “Employee of the Month.” You may be…
Woman Who Forgot to Shave for Two Weeks Unintentionally Becomes Feminist Icon
WESTWOOD–Area woman Christine Bigley, who forgot to shave for the past two weeks, unintentionally became a feminist icon and body…
BruinWear Summer Collection to Include Assless Chaps
WESTWOOD — In response to large demand, UCLA’s BruinWear will be including a pair of UCLA themed assless chaps in…
Discovery of “Upload” Button on Soundcloud Transforms Talentless Boy into Professional DJ
LOS ANGELES–In an incredible transformation, the discovery of the upload button on Soundcloud has transformed a talentless Caucasian teenage boy…
Children Playing House Engage In Horrific Custody Battle
WESTWOOD–The playground at Westwood Elementary became the center of tense conflict as second-grader Jenny Katz, playing the role of “Mommy,”…
Report: Health-Conscious Sorority Girl Later Seen Vomiting Smirnoff In Fraternity Bathroom
WESTWOOD–Health-conscious sorority member Sabrina Templin was reportedly seen at 2 A.M. Saturday morning, curled up onto the feces-stained tile of…
Deaf Man Removes Cochlear Implants After Hearing Wife For The First Time
WESTWOOD–Three hours after having a cochlear device surgically implanted, previously deaf man Brandon Holtsmann has decided to remove the implants…