The Westwood Enabler
  • Home
  • News
    • Campus
    • National
    • International
  • Opinion
  • A&E
  • Sports
  • Graphics
    • News In Pictures
    • Infographics
  • Life
  • About
    • Staff
    • Join
    • Contact

Articles by John Palmer

Op-Ed: It’s Only Okay to Use Science to Alter God’s Plan If It Involves a Pill That Gives Me an Erection

February 11, 2018 John Palmer 0

God has made a plan for all of us. We should not attempt to alter that plan with so-called science, unless, of course, that science […]

God’s Divine Plan Involves Pre-Marital Sex with Dylan from Calculus

February 11, 2018 Erica Griggs 0

HEAVEN — God’s divine plan for high school junior Emma Parsons involved a spiritual awakening in the form of pre-marital sex with Dylan from calculus. […]

CAPS Going to Need You to Postpone Mental Breakdown Until Two Months from Now

February 11, 2018 Erica Griggs 0

WESTWOOD — UCLA’s Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) announced in an official press release that it is going to need all students to postpone their […]

Op-Ed: I May Be Best Buy Employee of the Month, But I’m Far From Perfect

January 30, 2018 Tim Connelly 0

I am no superhuman, I am no deity, I am simply Best Buy’s “Employee of the Month.” You may be thinking, “He has it all. […]

Woman Who Forgot to Shave for Two Weeks Unintentionally Becomes Feminist Icon

October 29, 2017 Erica Griggs 0

WESTWOOD — Area woman Christine Bigley, who forgot to shave for the past two weeks, unintentionally became a feminist icon and body hair pioneer amongst […]

BruinWear Summer Collection to Include Assless Chaps

October 29, 2017 Erica Griggs 0

WESTWOOD — In response to large demand, UCLA’s BruinWear will be including a pair of UCLA themed assless chaps in their summer collection. “They sell […]

Discovery of “Upload” Button on Soundcloud Transforms Talentless Boy into Professional DJ

October 29, 2017 Erica Griggs 0

LOS ANGELES — In an incredible transformation, the discovery of the upload button on Soundcloud has transformed a talentless Caucasian teenage boy into a professional […]

No Picture

Children Playing House Engage In Horrific Custody Battle

May 22, 2017 Erica Griggs 0

WESTWOOD–The playground at Westwood Elementary became the center of tense conflict as second-grader Jenny Katz, playing the role of “Mommy,” and third-grader Ben Quon, playing […]

No Picture

Report: Health-Conscious Sorority Girl Later Seen Vomiting Smirnoff In Fraternity Bathroom

May 2, 2017 Erica Griggs 0

WESTWOOD–Health-conscious sorority member Sabrina Templin was reportedly seen at 2 A.M. Saturday morning, curled up onto the feces-stained tile of a fraternity bathroom floor, violently […]

No Picture

Deaf Man Removes Cochlear Implants After Hearing Wife For The First Time

May 1, 2017 Erica Griggs 0

WESTWOOD–Three hours after having a cochlear device surgically implanted, previously deaf man Brandon Holtsmann has decided to remove the implants in order to preserve his […]

Posts navigation

1 2 »

Ivory Search

Featured Authors

Lily Kiamanesh
  • Opinion: I Heard Your Stomach Growl In Class But I’m A Really Nice Person
  • BREAKING: Everyone Who Commented “pls admit me” On UCLA’s Instagram Was Just Accepted
  • “PU!” And 3 Other Things Not To Say To Your Grandma At Her Wake

ARCHIVES

RECOMMENDED

  • Opinion: I Heard Your Stomach Growl In Class But I’m A Really Nice Person

    June 6, 2022 0
  • Oh No! The Girl You Like Is An Active GroupMe Participant

    June 4, 2022 0
  • Onto The Next Chapter! Senior Gets High And Forgets To Go To Class One Last Time

    June 3, 2022 0
  • Tell Us Your Zodiac Sign And We’ll Tell You What Tragedy Happened To Your Mom’s Acquaintance Today

    June 2, 2022 0
  • Inclusivity Win! Nestle Treats Gay Child Slaves Just As Well As Straight Ones

    June 1, 2022 0
FOLLOW US
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
  • LinkedIn
ARCHIVES

Copyright © 2022 | WordPress Theme by MH Themes