God’s Divine Plan Involves Pre-Marital Sex with Dylan from Calculus

By , in National News News in Briefs on .
Dylan, child of God.

HEAVEN—God’s divine plan for high school junior Emma Parsons involved a spiritual awakening in the form of pre-marital sex with Dylan from calculus. “I was certainly surprised, but I know that God has a bigger plan for me than I do for myself,” said Parsons of the sexual encounter with Dylan that occurred subsequent to their youth group meeting. “I found solace knowing that you are always where God wants you to be at that very moment, and every experience is part of His plan. He was with me for all two thrusts. I know that He wouldn’t put me in any position I couldn’t handle.” At press time, Dylan was excitedly texting his friends about how he finally “got it in” with the quiet Christian girl from calculus.