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Month: January 2015

Foolish Humans Elect New Leader Based On Beauty, Charisma

January 26, 2015 Luke Moran 0

MIAMI— In an event televised across the galactic quadrant, the humans of Earth have chosen from among their flock a new “Miss Universe” to reign […]

Republicans Criticize State Of The Union As Abuse Of Executive Power

January 21, 2015 Luke Moran 0

WASHINGTON, DC—Claiming vast overreaches in executive power, Republican leaders came out in criticism of president Obama today after his delivering of an unapproved State of […]

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U.S. Sends Special Task Force To Sexually Liberate Middle East

January 15, 2015 Nathan Guzik 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In light of growing concerns over the increasing volatility of the region, Middle Eastern Operations Director for US Special Forces Miguel Jackson […]

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Daily Bruin Kept Completely Afloat By Crossword, Sudoku

January 13, 2015 Christopher Wong 0

WESTWOOD—A recent survey of Daily Bruin readership revealed that 100% of readers only picked up the award-winning student-run newspaper for its crossword puzzle and Sudoku. […]

Nation Relieved That Issues Of 2014 No Longer Matter

January 1, 2015 Jasmine Don 0

THE UNITED STATES—In the midst of celebrations ringing in the new year, Americans across the country are reportedly relieved to learn that the crucial issues of […]

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