WASHINGTON, D.C. — In light of growing concerns over the increasing volatility of the region, Middle Eastern Operations Director for US Special Forces Miguel Jackson has called for a unilateral intervention mission for the more sexually oppressed provinces in the area.
“The American ideals of freedom and liberty are universal ideals, ideals which should not be restricted by our own borders, cultural sensitivity, nor other nation’s sovereignty. These ideals have political dimensions, surely, yet the lack of a sexual revolution in the region has been the real factor which has hampered the achievement of true stability,” said Jackson, who was designing a pornographic missile intended to arouse even the most chaste, pious Imams. “It doesn’t take a genius to see that whatever America is doing, the rest of the world should do too. And if we have to use force to facilitate that, so be it – …It’s just baffling as to why they hate us so much… Hand me that double-ended dildo-drone, would you?”
Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel was as well convinced of the necessity of the mission, urging Congress to increase funding for the operations, termed collectively at this point, ‘Sexodus To The Promised Hand.’ “As soon as this mission is successful,” said Hagel, “they’ll go from Islamic extremists to Islamic sextremists. With boners. For freedom.”
Hagel continued to campaign for corporate support for the mission, going as far as to suggest creating a new special operations task force comprised of top specialists from the adult entertainment industry, namely the formation of a Brazzers Battalion, Milfhunter Marines, Bangbus Brigade, and The Casting Couch Cavalry.
When questioned as to the ethical and religious implications such a slanderous and intrusive operation would carry with it, Hagel was able to sidetrack the congressional hearing by live-modeling the Brazzers Battalion.
Despite the widespread scope of the intended action, specific preliminary targets have been identified: “Anywhere there is a shepherd boy, yearning to yank his crank in the desert sands – Anywhere there is a Kuwaiti businessman too stressed to exploit his refinery workers – Anywhere there is a teenage suicide bomber in training who is one jerk-n’-squirt away from giving up his 72 virgins in waiting, that is where we will be,” Miguel Jackson assured the Enabler. “Some hippies may say we have no business showering The Islamic State with cock rings, fleshlights, and ‘The Milf Squad’ Parts 4 through 36; But I disagree. I say those fleshlights will shine light on the Real genesis of their anger: their own overflowing, neglected dick-bags.”
At press time, all officials mentioned have been fired and subsequently killed by terrorists in their own homes.
