THE UNITED STATES—In the midst of celebrations ringing in the new year, Americans across the country are reportedly relieved to learn that the crucial issues of 2014 are now officially irrelevant.
“Man, the whole Ferguson issue was really starting to get me down,” said Jacob Whittier, a Chicago attorney who started no fewer than 60 Facebook arguments about the incident last year. “I’m so relieved that it’s just not a thing anymore. I can get off to a fresh start in 2015 without worrying about injustice or our deep-rooted prejudices.”
For many Americans, 2014 was a tumultuous year marked by countless glaring problems and unresolved tragedies. With seemingly no end in sight, the nation seized the opportunity of one complete revolution around the sun as a convenient expiration date for these pertinent matters.
“With Robin Williams’ death behind us, I’m so glad we can all finally just relax and forget about how depression may be affecting our loved ones,” said 16 year old Kate Howser of Boston. “Now everything can go back to normal and we can move on without all that other stuff weighing us down.”
Americans are also relieved to forget about the major ongoing health crises of 2014. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has already reclassified the status of the West Africa Ebola epidemic from “Critical” to “Passé”, though efforts to find a cure for the deadly disease have remained unsuccessful. Furthermore, with #IceBucketChallenge unlikely to begin trending again, the CDC confirms that “whatever disease that was for” has ceased to be of significance.
However, some argue that the arbitrary completion of a calendar year should not be treated as the conclusion of such important issues.
“Imagine if I had to wait all the way until now to stop caring where or exactly what Crimea is,” said Nate Luong of Los Angeles. “Trust me, that part of my brain was already gone by late May.”
Nonetheless, Luong remains optimistic about the new year, and is eager to see what 2015 has in store for him and the rest of the world.
“All that matters is that despite these dark times, we’ve finally managed to reach the light,” said Luong. “I mean, not the light at the end of the tunnel, but a light that’s so blinding that it’s basically impossible to see how long the path to the exit really is. And that’s good enough for me.”