WESTWOOD — Local bloodsucker and thousandth-year religion student Vlad Cullen was seen insisting to his suitors he was down for almost anything in the bedroom, as long as it wasn’t period sex. “Babe, I don’t care that I technically feed off blood. It’s so gross down there. I know I said I’d only go down on you for your birthday, but…it’s just so icky. Please don’t try and make me do it tonight or really any other night,” said Cullen, trying and failing to look in the mirror to reach climax. “I’ll do anything else. I’ll let you jerk me off? You love jerking me off, right? What about a blowjob? Or you could invite a friend over and we could have a threesome in my twin XL coffin?” At press time, Cullen was seen kicking a girl out of his one-bedroom Gothic mansion on Gayley.
