Vampire Draws Line At Period Sex
WESTWOOD — Local bloodsucker and thousandth-year religion student Vlad Cullen was seen insisting to his suitors he was down for almost anything in the bedroom, […]
college
Anxious For Finals? Hilltop Shop Releases UCLA Vibrators
WESTWOOD — In light of test-taking jitters, the Hilltop Shop has released UCLA-themed vibrators ahead of finals. “I really wanted to buy the Blue Bullet […]
National Guard Officer Also Bummed Westwood Village Doesn’t Have Shit To Do
WESTWOOD — After the National Guard entered Westwood Village yesterday afternoon, many soldiers were disappointed to find out that there was nothing to do in […]
UCLA Student Stares Longingly At Instagram Summer Dumps Like Prisoner Gazing At Free World
WESTWOOD — Early Monday morning, first-year Philosophy student Alca Pone was seen spending a little too long wistfully staring at a photo dump of a […]
I Lived It: The Corner I Was Going To Stand In At The Party Got Taken
As a Mysterious Fella, it’s important for me to have a nice corner to stand in at parties. There’s really nothing like holding a clammy […]
It’s True! The Dumbest Man You’ve Ever Met Has Started A Substack
WESTWOOD — Standing at a handsome 5-foot-6, known idiot, failed Biz Econ major, and your sophomore-year Hinge match Brayden Johnson has decided to start a […]
Idiot Moron Claps At Poetry Reading
WESTWOOD — This morning, fourth-year American literature and culture major Emily Yonicson humiliated herself and her family as she clapped, not snapped, at a local […]
Heartbreaking! Invisible Lesbian Unable To Celebrate Lesbian Visibility Week
WESTWOOD — After attempting to participate in the LGBTQ Campus Resource Center’s event for Lesbian Visibility Week, one lesbian was deeply disappointed by the center’s […]
Opinion: Too Bad, AFSCME! We Are Spending Five Million Dollars On A New Quarterback
Dear Bruin Community: At UCLA, promoting the well-being of the Bruin family is our top priority. As your Chancellor, I do all kinds of […]
UC Berkeley Mysteriously Vanishes
BERKELEY — At approximately 4:20 PM, the East Bay was shocked to discover that their beloved campus of UC Berkeley had disappeared. “I’ve never seen […]