5 Reasons Your Door Lock Is Always Mad At You
Every day you come home and your door lock just refuses to tell you what it’s upset about this time. Juggling the day’s groceries in […]
“SHE’S FINE!” And 3 More Things To Yell At Bystanders While Your Bestie Barfs In A Planter
It’s Thirsty Thursday and your bestie’s thirst has been more than sufficiently quenched by Tito’s and lukewarm vending machine Diet Starry. Her face is buried […]
Woman Unpleasant To Talk To Even After She’s Had Her Coffee
LOS ANGELES — Linda Caprice, a 43-year-old mother of two and proud owner of a “Don’t Talk To Me Until I’ve Had My Coffee” mug, […]
Student Caught Taking Banana Out Of BPlate Fatally Shot
WESTWOOD — Following changes in UCLA dining policy, second-year physiological science major Hannah Dunham was fatally shot Tuesday after being caught smuggling a banana out […]
I Lived It: Guy I Told My Friends About Has Only One Instagram Post From 2018
It seemed too good to be true. And I was right. After two dates, the guy from that meet-cute dream encounter gave me his Instagram […]
Icebreaker Questions Cause Melting Of Polar Ice Caps
ANTARCTICA — Scientists announced today that the polar ice caps have completely disappeared in the wake of years of icebreaker questions. “Carbon dioxide emissions cannot […]
BREAKING: Vegas Is Ready For Your Girls’ Trip
NEVADA – In a statement released Friday afternoon, the city of Las Vegas affirmed that it is, in fact, ready for your girls’ trip. “I’m […]
Kafkaesque? This Man Just Turned Into A Giant Bug
PRAGUE — In an event some are calling “Kafkaesque,” businessman Greg Sammsa woke up this morning and found himself transformed into a giant insect. “This […]
Pledge Comes Clean: ‘Hazing Made Me A Better Person’
WESTWOOD — While some may join a fraternity for camaraderie, school spirit, or alcohol, first-year Business Economics major Chad Sookmidic has disclosed that hazing is […]
Boelter Scientists Announce Creation Of Slowest Elevator Possible
WESTWOOD — During a press conference late Thursday evening, a team of scientists from Boelter Hall announced that they had created the slowest elevator possible. […]