UCLA Students Shocked To Find Out UCLA Not In Israel
WESTWOOD — Students at UCLA expressed shock when they learned earlier today that contrary to what they had believed, UCLA is, in fact, located in […]
POINT: Police Brutality Is A Systemic Issue That Must Be Addressed / COUNTERPOINT: Have You Seen That Video Of The Cop Giving People Ice Cream Cones?
Point Police Brutality Is A Systemic Issue That Must Be Addressed By: Matt Styles Half a century after the Civil Rights Movement, black people in this […]
Local Voter Starting To Suspect Trump Might Be Sexist
MINNEAPOLIS—Moments after a widely-publicized tape revealed a 2005 conversation in which Donald Trump boasted about assaulting women, local voter Andy Wilding reported that he was […]
40,000 Students and Not One of Them Has Found the Goose That Lays the Golden Eggs
Dear Students, As we begin the new quarter, it is important that we do not lose sight of what binds all Bruins together: our common […]
Local Voter Somehow Still Undecided
LOS ANGELES — Local keysmith and registered voter Adam Wells has still not decided which candidate he will support for President of the United States […]
Op-Ed: I’ve Been Treated Very Unfairly, More Unfairly Than Anyone
I’m sure by now you’ve all come to the conclusion I have, that the debate was a sham. Cheap Shot Lester Holt is a […]
Move Over, Houdini! This Guy Escaped From A Prison Cell Using Nothing But White Privilege
Have you ever wondered how magicians like Harry Houdini and Dorothy Dietrich pulled off their famous escape stunts? They must have had a spare key […]
President Reagan Hologram Booked To Perform At Republican National Convention
WASHINGTON, DC — At a press conference held at the Republican National Committee headquarters earlier today, RNC chairman Reince Priebus jubilantly announced that he had […]
Absentee Fathers Commend United Kingdom On Leaving European Union
LONDON—Upon learning that the United Kingdom would officially be leaving the European Union, absentee fathers everywhere have been announcing their unconditional support for “Brexit.” “Anyone […]
Christ Returns, Forgot Some Stuff In Capernaum
ISRAEL—Jesus Christ, the inspiration for the Christian faith, will take the next couple of days to collect a pair of sheepskin moccasins and a favorite […]