Report: RA Found To Be Cool
WESTWOOD—A report conducted by the Hedrick 5-South Floor Association revealed local Residential Assistant Shirley Tang to be “cool.” “Yeah, we were all just kind of […]
Oblivious Dance Marathon Participant Still Going Strong
WESTWOOD— Unaware that Dance Marathon ended four days ago, third-year communications student Tyler Durham is still up and on his feet dancing in Pauly Pavilion […]
Incredible! This Couple Got An Omelet At Covel And Didn’t Have Sex In Line
We all know how tempting it can be to intimately embrace your partner during that long, hard wait for a sizzling, delicious omelet at Covel […]
Area Cat Contemplates Sisyphean Nature Of Licking Itself Clean
WESTWOOD—Local cat Fluffy Winship Lion the Fourth was in the process of his regularly scheduled licking session when his tongue stopped and the existential dread […]
Man Begins Running Solely To Carbo Load
SACRAMENTO–Clarifying that he is not actually interested in getting fit, new runner Joshua Miller announced on social media that he is only interested in running […]
Study: Nothing Better Than Just Kickin’ It With The Boys
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—A study conducted by researchers at the University of Virginia concluded that nothing beats just hanging out and having a good time with the […]
Study: Legalized Dueling Would Cause Significant Reduction Of Stupid Population
CHICAGO, IL—Scientists at the University of Chicago have concluded a two-year long study that proves legalized dueling would be a highly effective method of reducing […]
Man Receives Prophecy From Different Gypsy Woman Than Usual
WESTWOOD–Local man Martin Thompson was surprised today when his daily prophecy was delivered to him by a different gypsy woman than usual. “Usually when I’m […]
Gary Johnson Announces He Running For President In 2018
ALBUQUERQUE—Former Governor of New Mexico Gary Johnson revealed today that he intends to run for president in 2018. “After a lot of thinking, it is […]