God’s Divine Plan Involves Pre-Marital Sex with Dylan from Calculus
HEAVEN — God’s divine plan for high school junior Emma Parsons involved a spiritual awakening in the form of pre-marital sex with Dylan from calculus. […]
CAPS Going to Need You to Postpone Mental Breakdown Until Two Months from Now
WESTWOOD — UCLA’s Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) announced in an official press release that it is going to need all students to postpone their […]
Minotaur Found Deep Within Recesses Of MathSci-Boelter
MOUNT WESTWOOD — Alas, my friends, that day the quest was dark, For on such a mission I embark, I had seen Scylla and Charybdis, […]
Op-Ed: “Can I Go Back To The Wild Yet?”
Friends, I am experiencing a full-blown identity crisis. I have been serving the UCLA community for the last ten years. I did not do it […]
Report: You Probably Won’t Finish That Paper Early
WESTWOOD — After much deliberation, sources close to you recently reported that, no, you probably won’t finish that paper early. “I know you’re going away […]
Man Six Beers In Just Taking The Edge Off
WESTWOOD — Area man Joseph Park has consumed six beers in an attempt to take the edge off after a long day. “Yeah, like, I […]
UNICEF To Consider Starving Children On A Case-By-Case Basis Due To Budget Cuts
LOS ANGELES — UNICEF announced early Monday morning that it would consider providing meals to starving children on a case-by-case basis due to budget cuts, citing […]
Freshman Relieved She Done With Hardest Quarter
WESTWOOD — Sources report that first-year pre-anthropology major Amelia Collins is relieved she is done with her hardest quarter of her college career. “Everyone told me […]
Local Man Enjoys Airport Pat-Down
LOS ANGELES — After waiting for over two hours in the security line, local man Michael Beal reportedly “thoroughly enjoyed” a pat-down from officials at the […]
Ackerman’s Gas Leak Heard by Everyone in Gym Class
WESTWOOD — Profusely denying any wrongdoing, Ackerman Union is alleged to have let out a little gas during seventh period PE this afternoon. “It was totally […]