Hey guys. Westwood Enabler opinion writer Oiluj Knerf here. I’m a UCLA student just like you! I love my friends, I love my classes, and most of all, I love getting emails from my Chancellor, Julio Frenk. He’s so cool. Man, I wish he was my dad.
Now, I’m just your average everyday Bruin on the street. What do I know about geopolitics, UCLA’s 7.7 billion dollar endowment, or how to deal with the Trump administration? But when sweet Julio said we’re losing money, I knew I had to help figure out a solution. I kept hearing about divesting from this whole “Israel” thing, but this made me have a brilliant idea: what if we INvest into Israel! Gotta make that cash! Plus, I learned that they’re the Only Democracy In The Middle East™ and under attack by terrorism (ahhhhh!!!), so we gotta invest in them. With like, a LOT of money. It makes us money and it makes them money: who loses?
I think the Big F has been doing a great job at listening to students like me. I’m always going to Campus Community Conversations and “brown bag” discussions, both in person and online. It’s such a great time with my friends! Who cares if we can’t hear each other over the students outside protesting? They should try having a Conversation, instead. I’m sure my guy Frenkenstein would listen then!
These protestors are so stupid. They keep saying my investment scheme is “unethical” and “we’re already doing that.” So boo hoo if UCLA becoming the number one university again comes at the expense of a few hundred thousand Palestinian lives. I think if Divest saw how much money a new football director costs, those protesters wouldn’t be so uppity about how my Julibro spends UCLA’s hard-earned money. He’s gotta make those tough decisions!
Anyway, I gotta go. I heard my roommates talking about smoking weed in the Rieber stairwell, and I can’t let them violate our new True Bruin Values like that. Just let me leave you with one parting reminder: when the going gets tough, give another hundred million to Israel!
We are Two UCLA,
Oiluj Knerf
