Report: One-Year-Old Water Bottle Still Not Washed
WESTWOOD—Earlier this week, sources confirmed that third year Environmental Science major Elizabeth Maxwell hasn’t washed her reusable water bottle since she bought it last year. […]
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Professor Receives Roar of Laughter During Lecture, Pursues Stand Up Comedy
WESTWOOD—UCLA Chemistry professor Thomas Osborne, is retiring to further develop his one-man act after cracking a single periodic table joke during class and receiving a […]
Trump Fires Biggest Supporter
WASHINGTON–The White House announced in a press release this Tuesday that President Donald J. Trump has terminated one of the most prominent and influential supporters […]
Op-Ed: We Can’t Subsidize People Who Are Irresponsible Enough To Get Cancer
Dear American People, I have received many angry letters, body parts, and obscene photographs in the mail recently, and I find that very disappointing. The […]
Man Unaware Spooky Skeleton Inside Him
RICHMOND, VA—According to his friends, local man Steve Crandall is currently unaware there is a spooky skeleton not-so-deep inside of him. “Steve made a joke […]
Report: Health-Conscious Sorority Girl Later Seen Vomiting Smirnoff In Fraternity Bathroom
WESTWOOD–Health-conscious sorority member Sabrina Templin was reportedly seen at 2 A.M. Saturday morning, curled up onto the feces-stained tile of a fraternity bathroom floor, violently […]
Hookah Bar Definitely A Front
WESTWOOD–UCLA students confirmed this past week that local hookah bar Habubu Cafe is most definitely a front for an ambiguous black-market industry. “It’s like, never […]
Report: Area Man Finally Has Enough Stamps For Free 4-Inch Sub
FRESNO–In a feat of perseverance, local accountant Chad Davis has finally secured enough stamps on his rewards card to obtain a free 4-inch submarine sandwich […]
Heartwarming: President Trump Has Donated His Entire Salary To Building A Big New Bomb That Goes “BOOM!”
Sometimes, beneath a rough exterior lies a heart of gold. United States President Donald J. Trump announced that he has donated his $400,000 salary to […]
Deaf Man Removes Cochlear Implants After Hearing Wife For The First Time
WESTWOOD–Three hours after having a cochlear device surgically implanted, previously deaf man Brandon Holtsmann has decided to remove the implants in order to preserve his […]