Study: Sunburn Suggests White Privilege Doesn’t Exist

Researchers determined that aloe vera has done nothing to close the gap of racial inequality.

TUSCALOOSA—Researchers at the University of Alabama have concluded, after extensive research on sunburn, that white privilege currently doesn’t exist and most likely has never existed since the very beginning of human life.

The study found that people of Caucasian descent have exorbitant expenditures on sunscreen and aloe vera that other races do not have, while also being the only skin tone that has been billed by dermatologists for “sun damage complications.” The study looked at the amount of melanin present in people and compared it to how much the sun affects their skin, and more importantly their daily lives.

Fig 1-A. A graph of the University of Alabama’s findings.

“It’s disappointing that it took so long for us to figure this out, as the extreme guilt felt by white Americans takes such an extreme toll on their mental state,” said head researcher and Anglo Studies professor Roger Adkins, who also mentioned how the answer was literally in front of their faces for at least 12 hours a day for hundreds of years. “We can finally say now that getting sunburned is probably the most oppressive thing that can happen to an individual. It is unfortunate that such an occurrence disproportionately punishes the white community, but I guess that was God’s plan for us.”

Social activists also commented on the discovery. “I guess we have been protesting and raising awareness on the wrong thing all along,” said Black Lives Matter leader Benjamin Keys, who was disappointed in himself for not realizing he was part of the most privileged race the entire time. “Before this research was done, I would have been skeptical. But now it is so obvious that the everyday struggle that whites go through in order to not get sunburned is the most difficult thing experienced by a human for hundreds of years. I couldn’t imagine the agony they went through when traveling across the middle passage to get to America in the 1600s. Day in and day out, getting burned by the blistering sun.” Keys also added that he was working on rebranding the BLM organization to better fit the needs of the white community.

In the closing statements of the paper, researchers commented that the inventions of sunscreen and UV resistant shirts were a step in the right direction for helping whites survive the environment of the 21st century, but really couldn’t believe how in 2017, the rest of society was doing so very little to help these oppressed people.